Nothing Lasts Forever!!

I hold it true, whate'er befall;

I feel it, when I sorrow most;'

Tis better to have loved and lost

Than never to have loved at all.

Now that I have moved on, MA has admitted to me all the things I wanted to hear months ago. Again my heart breaks. Maybe it is just safe now, or maybe he is full of crap knowing it's too late he can say what ever he thinks I wanted to hear.

Heartless????

I went away on a get away on July 6. I met up with an old friend from highschool. We had an amazing 5 days. Things were perfect. When I returned home I told MA that I had been with him. He was hurt, but was quick to inform me that he hooked up with that girl that was so taken by him. They went out of town for the weekend.

He then told me that he really was in love with me. He was hurting like he had never been hurt before. He said he wished he could restore things like you restore your computer. We stayed tight friends all week. We laughed more in that week then we had in months. There was no pressure of anything else. He suggested not emailing or talking while he was away on holidays. I agreed with him and thought that was a very good idea.

I decided since MH had the kids away on vacation that I would head out of town again myself. Come back and see my friend. So I booked the ticked for Saturday. I learned shortly after I did that, that MA would be taking the same flight so I decided to change and leave on Friday. One last stress. So I informed on Wednesday that he would not be hearing from me again until he gets back from his holiday.

When I got down there this was a message I got from MA.


YOU ARE HEARTLESS....

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU LIED TO ME. I CAN'T BELIEVE I HAD TO FIND OUT YOU ARE DATING THIS GUY THROUGH FACE BOOK AND EMAILING ME TELLING ME HOW SCREWED UP YOU ARE. YOU ARE A USER AND YOU PLAYED ME LESSON LEARNED, PAUL WAS VERY RIGHT ABOUT YOU. HAVE A GOOD LIFE AND FUCK OFFF

How Life Changes!!

Life consists not in holding good cards

but in playing those you hold well.

Finally I move forward in my life. Then without warning everthing I have wanted to hear for years I heard in a week. Unforunatley it was way beyond too late. Is he being honest now or is he lying??? Maybe he was being honest then and not now? I don't know if I will ever know the truth.

I heard months ago that he was seeing the girl he is seeing now. Her best friend told me how happy she was for her that she finally met someone that was so good to her. She had no idea he was seeing me as well.

I guess the saying is right, once a cheater always a cheater.

Second Best

Who looks outside, dreams;
who looks inside, awakes.

Feeling blue today. I am feeling that I am the consolation prize. Never good enough to be "the one" but you know.... when that doesn't work out with "the one" I will do in a pinch. I was "the one" once, but he wasn't for me. Will it ever happen when I am in love with the person who is so in love with me, or will I ever be in love with a man who loves me equally back. This seems like something so simple, but for me seems impossible.

Once upon
A time
There was
Truth to the
Myth of what
You
And I
Had found
In a blank paged
Fairy tale.

Snow White
Doesn't sleep
In a casket made of
Glass
Slippers will break
If you wear them.

Walk across this
Written word
With fingers
Gently
Seeking
Loving
You
And me
No more.

He loves
Me
He loves me!
Not
Enough.

To:
My Valentine
Will you
Be mine
No longer . . .

MA once said to me "we have been living a fairytale". He was right. Fairy tales are not real and what we had was not real either. I tell myself this a lot, but still it does not dull the pain.

I woke today feeling blue and bit down. I realized that I am letting MA go, slowly he is drifting further and further away. This makes me sad. I am affraid of what lays ahead in my life. I am affraid of sharing me, my heart, my soul. I am afraid that I am unable to love a man who loves me back.

Silence!!!

I was cold and hurting

lost out in the night

wandering and searching

for heaven's light

I saw the night sky clearing

when you spread your rainbow wings

But little did I know

what joy you would bring

From that moment on

a friendship did start

you kissed away my tears

and sheltered my heart

I bless the day God

sent him from above

But then I grew fearful

for I had fallen in love

I told you this feeling

and what did you say?

You said you liked our friendship

and that's how it would stay

I cried for a friendship I thought I lost

But then felt your warm, gentle hand

You then whispered in my ear

that by my side you'll forever stand

But when I looked back he was gone, I was left there standing in complete silence. The silence was so deafening, but I am learning to enjoy the silence and it is being to sound peaceful.

What Happened???

I sent the email. MA received the email, acknowledged the email, and did say he would respond. He never did. Instead he has chose to ignore the fact that I even sent such a thing. He has continued to call and email as always.

He invited me over on Monday, I declined. He invited me over on Tuesday, again I declined. He even pleaded with me, he could not believe I said "NO" this has never happened before. Wednesday he told me how much he missed me, and how badly he wanted me etc... I tried declining, I tried making up excuses. I tried to think of things to make me angry at him so I could just not go. None worked. I went and seen him.

He held me, he kissed every inch of my body, his touch was intoxicating, he drank me in with his eyes. He sent many waves of pleasure through me. We feel asleep wrapped tightly together. I woke up before dawn, I laid there for over an hour watching him sleep. He seemed so a peace. I was angry at myself for not having the strength to stay away. I got up and left without waking him.

I had to work with him yesterday, he told me how much he loved making love to me, how happy he was. How he wanted more, how he just can't get enough. He has called me a few times today telling me how badly he is missing me. He still doesn't get it. I am not asking for a relationship, a marriage proposal, or even a commitment per say. I just want him to love me like he use to.

Oops!!

Lead me not into temptation;

I can find the way myself.

Sent!

It has been 7 days. 7 days without a single touch or kiss.

I did it! I sent the dreaded email. He hasn't opened it yet. He has to work early tomorrow morning and probably won't open it until after work. I feel sick to my stomach. I hit send and then went out for a good long walk. It is amazing how that can clear you mind.

Funny thing is I ended up at MH's apartment. We chatted for over an hour. I hope I did the right thing. I think MH is finally moving on. He seems happier. I am happy for him. I am happy he can exsist without me. I knew he could. Now so does he.

If you love something set if free. If it doesn't return it was never meant to be! Now I sit and wait. I really do not have patience. This is not a good thing for me. Breath......

Broken Hearted

I could have held you all night long,
I could have laid next to you forever,
But then I know tomorrow soon would come,
And still we couldn't be together . . .

I went against what my head was saying,
and followed my heart through,
And instead of quitting while I was ahead,
I started falling in love with you

We had so much fun together,
the memories we made so great,
all those nights laughing and smiling,
staying up so late.

As the snow falls on the sidewalks,
I know this too will pass,
for feelings are like the seasons changing,
and one season never lasts.

So, I know this must stop now,
and tomorrow soon will come,
as we walk away and never look back,
as our warm feelings become numb.

I cried all the way home on Monday morning. I still haven't sent him the email. So he still has no idea that Sunday night was our last night. He has had a long hard week so I really didn't want to add to his misery. We worked together a couple days this week. We have still chatted a few times a day. It is as if everything is the same. Other then my heart is breaking a little more each day.

I don't know what I am waiting for. I guess I am scared. He asked me to come over tomorrow night. He asked if I could come early, but then commented about it still be day light! I can't help feeling that he is embarrassed of me. Gawd forbid anyone ever know he has been sleeping with me for the last two and half years. He has made a make believe women up to tell the guys who he as been with, so they will get off his back, and stop trying to get him laid. Again I guess a fake women is better then me.

Last Sleep Over!!

Tonight is my last sleep over with MA. I want more then he can give at this time. He doesn't know it yet, but I will inform him tomorrow. I just want one last kiss, one last time of feeling the way he makes me feel. One last night of laying in his arms. One last night oh inhaling his intoxicating scent. A full night of complete pleasure and bliss.

I have given this a lot of thought. I am scared to death and dreading it, but I really don't feel I have a choice. I haven't been fair to him, holding on the way I have been. I have already wrote the email. So this is it.

I use to get this, and miss it so much it hurts......... "I am so glad to have met you, our friendship it's very rare. Most affairs are about the sex but with us is more than that we have a very close connection that it will never go away. I consider myself the luckiest person in the world. Thank you for coming into my life. Love You forever no matter what".

Now I get this.............. "I hope you are having a good day chat later my Sexy Friend".

I am on my way out the door now. This is it. I know it's what is right, but why does it hurt so bad.

History 6

We met but once as though by chance,

we didn't date, or did we dance.

We looked into each other's eyes

without deception or disguise.

A silent message passed between

your hungry heart was plainly seen.

You saw desire I could not hide,

you looked at me and saw inside.

How could a glance have said so much,

and cause a chill without a touch?

What was that chemistry that night,

that promised what we felt was right?

What satisfaction we'd have missed,

If we had not reached out and kissed.

I do not know if it was you,

or was it I who said, "Let's do."

But on that night our souls were bare

as surely as our bodies there.

Our bodies moved in harmony,

I couldn't tell the you from me.

And locked in passion as we were,

my sense of time began to blur.

I must have known you from before,

how else could you have reached my core?

In life perhaps before this one

what had we shared? What had we done?

With what I felt, emotions vast,

I must have loved you in the past.

But now we go our separate ways,

to different lives throughout our days.

I keep you though within my dreams,

Eternal soul mate, so it seems.

I sent this to MA last spring. Things seemed so perfect between us. The new year seemed to bring new love.

In January and February MH was away for work. MA and I went back to spending hours together. His wife was out of town in January we once again shared a room for a couple of days. He told me how much he cherished me and how much he loved me.

At the end of February MH trying to still mend our broken marriage took me on a nice tropical holiday. MA and I said our good byes not sure what the future would hold. The holiday was nice, I realized then that I had lost any love I had for MH. The entire time I was away I spent thinking of MA. I even managed a phone call and a few emails.

When I returned in March MA and I seemed to have an even stronger bond, if that is even possible. The day I returned home I ran down to see him the second time allowed. We only had a quick moment to look at each other and touch quickly. When I returned home this was waiting in my email inbox.....

Hey never question my love for you because you must have felt it today. I sure felt the love you have for me from that one second hug and kiss. Yes you are beautiful and very sexy and I love you and that will never end till the day I die. Thank You for coming into my world that was so lonely and dark. I look forward to your naked body wrapped around me. I MISS YOU MORE THAN EVER TOO. XOXOXOXO

After that day I received many more emails from him protesting this great love he had for me. I don't understand where that got lost. He has not told me he loves me in 3 months. Not since the day he told me he didn't know how to love or what love is. I stayed at his house again last night. I tried remembering back to this day. I tried to see if I could feel the difference. I don't understand what changed. Was it all a lie???

History 5

Speak when you are angry

and you will make the best speech

you will ever regret.

After MH (my husband) suspected MA and I having an affair nothing was ever the same. He tried, he really tried and so did I. I do think I wanted my marriage to work, maybe not for the right reasons, but none the less I believed I wanted to make a go at it. MH was dealing with things not well to say the least. He told everyone that would listen that I had been sleeping with MA. He told MA he wouldn't tell his wife, but I am sure this was his way of letting his wife know without directly telling her. The night back in October 2005 when he was raging he called MA at his house and his wife answered. MA ran out and found a pay phone to call MH back. His wife called our house wondering why MH called. At the time MH lied to her and said he was just asking him a question about something.

To make matters worse MH started drinking and when he drank he became very mean and unreasonable. This is a man I had spent the last twelve years with, who had all this respect for me and even had me on a pedestal. I fell hard off that pedestal. Before this happened he had never even called me a name ever. The worse thing he had said to me prior to the affair was "you're being a bitch" and he was pretty mad to even say that.

Just before Christmas 2005 he came home and was drunk. My oldest daughter had her boyfriend over and I had told his mom I would make sure I drove him home at 11. MH in his drunken state insisted I go to bed with him. I explained that I couldn't and why. He became irate. He started freaking out on me calling me a whore etc... he then grabbed me by the arm and tried pushing me down the stairs. MH is 6'4 and weighs 285lbs, so it was very difficult to keep my self from being hurt. He eventually gave up and went to bed. The next day he couldn't believe what he had done and blamed it on bad rye. (whatever) He did stop drinking for a few weeks anyway.

I was scared and feeling more alone then ever. MA was there for me. He was my shoulder he was my strength and my light. MA was supportive and understanding. We weren't meeting like we use to, but we continued to talk as much as we could, but very cautiously this time. He kept me smiling and sane. When we did work together we spent as much time as we could together because this was the only place we were able to see each other.

My dad and step mom came for Christmas that year. MH told my dad why he wasn't drinking and what he had done. So I thought that things would get better with him, how I was so wrong.

On Christmas eve I went and seen MA at work and we exchanged gifts, hugs and kisses. The love we had for each other had only become stronger through the stress around us.

History Part 4

Once again MA is getting the best of me.

I am having a hard time this week dealing with our affair.

Little More History Part 4.

After MA returned home with his family I was prepared. I was ready to end things. They never ended. They didn't even really cool that much. Maybe a little sexually, but we chatted more then ever.

October 2005 my husband leaves town on a hunting trip. His wife was suppose to go away as well, but she became sick and couldn't travel. We had made many plans for when they would be gone we had to cancel them. MA made it up to me, it was a Saturday evening, he rented a room and surprised me with it. He told his wife he was going out with friends for drinks. We spent hours that night drinking every inch of each other in. I will never forget laying back in his arms and the music video Beautiful by James Blunt came on. It was the first time either one of us had heard it. It seem to really hit home that night. That is night I will never forget.

That month the world as I knew it fell apart. My oldest child told my husband she thought I was having an affair. I can't remember exactly how it all came about. He had asked her some questions about me, and it just went from there. He checked out every nook and cranny in the computer and found that I had been using a yahoo mail account. He completely lost it that day. I was at work. He packed a bunch of my clothes in a garbage bag and dropped them down at my work. He had the locks changed and told me I was never to return home. I begged and pleaded for hours, he finally agreed to pick me up after work to talk, but made it very clear I was not to return home. I begged and pleaded some more. After many long hours parked in our vehicle he agreed to let me come home. There were a few conditions though. First I had to give him head, right there and then, and I had to swallow. Which I NEVER do, I can't. Second I had to sit down with our children and basically tell them that I am a whore and I had wrecked our family. Things would never be the same because of me.

My husband and I attended counselling and things seem to get back on track a bit. I was a bit messed up and became a lot more cautious, but I continued my relationship with MA.

Dessert!

It's nice to eat a good hunk of beef

but you want a light dessert, too.

MA made me dinner last week and brought it to me at work. I had to return his Rubbermaid container, I believe that it is bad manners to return a container empty. I made him a special dessert. I went over to his place to drop it by. I had not intention on staying.

When I got there we started talking. Being that I had no intention on staying I sat on an opposite couch from him and was careful not to touch him. I know better. I know that I have no will power. It was hard enough being there and not having my hands all over him.

We talked for about an hour. I could talk to him for days. Did I mention before I went over we spent over an hour on the phone. Anyhoooo..... I got up to go, but he was telling me a story so I sat on the arm of the couch. He came over to kiss me good bye. Seems simple enough, right?

Well the next thing I know he had me down on the couch and my clothes some how were off, as were his. Needless to say 2 hours later I was once again on my way out the door. We really need to work on those quickies. Practice makes perfect, although I have been informed today by MA that is as good as it gets for a quickie, he doesn't feel it gets any faster then that. He does enjoy to savor.

History Part 3

Love is the beauty of the soul

After that night when we crossed that forbidden line, there was no looking back. Things got out of control and very crazy. We were meeting every other day. Mornings, afternoons, and evenings. We found closets at work to occupy. We couldn't keep our hands off of each other.

When we weren't having sex we were either on the phone or emailing each other. Our relationship was very deep. We talked about everything we shared all our secrets and dreams. Physically we tired everything. It was so intense and full of passion. The emails were full of love and feelings and the phone calls were light hearted and fun.

June 2005 I was walking down town, he was stopped at a street light in his vehicle with his wife. He waved and I waved back. Innocent we thought. She wouldn't let it go. She said she could tell that there was something there. She told him that the look in his eyes when he seen me told the whole story. He denied it and told her she was over reacting and being silly.

I took my kids and went on a holiday in July 2005, while I was away we talked on the phone daily, as well as emailed back and forth. We got closer by the day. While I was away he called me up one night and told me that he LOVED me and he couldn't wait another day without telling me that. That night we were on the phone until wee hours of the morning. I watched the sun rise that day. We laughed together and then we cried together because we knew that what we had would be all that we would ever have. Neither one of us felt that we could leave our marriages, but still were very much in love with each other.

When I returned it was like I was the best present he had ever received, he couldn't wait to unwrap me and play with me. I had never felt so wanted sexually. I had never felt so cherished and appreciated. He was the first thing I thought of when I woke up and the last thing I thought of before I fell asleep each night. The thought of him gave me goose bumps. When I seen him I would get butterflies in my tummy. Never had I experienced this. I thought this only ever happened in the movies.

He took his family away in August 2005 for holidays, while they were away his wife was advised by a friend that she had heard something was going on between us. His wife completely lost it. (I can't say I blame her) He denied that we were anymore then just casual friends. She told him he was no longer aloud to be my friend. That he had to stay away from me. She brought up the time we seen each other back in June. Again she was convinced there was something in his eyes. He managed to sneak off one afternoon and call me and let me know what happened. I was devastated, I was feeling very bad for her, but at the same time I was dying inside. I knew that we would have to stay away from each other. He didn't want to lose his family.

A Little History Part 2.

We both agreed to remain friends and not to cross that line again. I was still very worried things would never be the same, and it would be weird to be around each other. I was half right, things were never the same.

We talked more, and leaned harder. The difference was we both new we were attracted to each other, and we both new how incredible that kiss was. Then one day he emailed me and told me how sexy I looked that day. After that we started asking very intimate questions. We learned what each other liked, and we shared our fantasies, desires and needs. We talked about how much we desired each other, but agreed to never cross that line. At this point in our relationship we new everything there was to know about each other. We shared our dreams, our pasts, our present.

I walked every evening rain or shine and we talked on my cell for hours. It was a clear night in March I was out walking, he snuck out of work early and met me. We walked in a very private area, we talked and held hands. When it was time for us to go he hugged me..... the next thing you know we were all over each other. The kiss that night was even better then the first, and we were both stone cold sober. It felt as though we had been together for years. It was easy and very comfortable.

After that night we decided that we weren't going to do anymore then make out once in a while, that we still would NOT cross that line. We talked about how amazing we made each other feel. How we brought out the best in each other. We really did not want to wreck things between us, by sleeping together.

Shortly after that night in March I received an email from him, it was a typical email, but at the end of this particular email he told me he loved with me. We had not discussed feelings we had for each other. We had never slept together and only ever kissed twice. Yet we had become best friends.

The next week we were working together, it was a typical day we flirted with each other and sent some naughty emails back and forth. It was very fun and light hearted. Close to the end of the day, he comes to me and asks me if I wanted to meet up with him later that night. I thought he was kidding around. It turns out he really wasn't. He told me that he had told his wife that he had friends here from out of town and he was going to meet up with them for some drinks.

We decided to meet up where we had walked that night. He brought some beer and we sat and talked, laughed and joked around. Then he leaned over to kiss me and I to this day have NO idea what happened to me. I couldn't get enough. I have never been aggressive. I like to follow never lead. Things got very hot and heavy, it was very urgent and intense. The next thing you know I was on top of him and he was very much inside of me. Again it was like we had been having sex for years, it was very comfortable and easy, never an awkward moment.

After we had finished, I was still on top of him. I didn't know what to say. I couldn't believe what had just happened. All I could gather up all that I managed to get out of my mouth was "oops sorry" We had a giggle. I had to get home and so did he. I never said two words after that. He drove me home, I didn't say a word other then when he asked me if I was okay I softly said "yeah"

I can't believe that was 2 years ago this month.

Panic Attack!

It has been a bit of a crazy week. I have spent a ton of time with MA (my addiction). I was there all morning and day on Thursday. I spent the night on Saturday, and tonight I was suppose to spend the night, but the strangest thing happened to me. I had a panic attack, I freaked out and I got up and ran. I couldn't get out of there and home fast enough. I don't know what happened.

Everything was fine when I got there. We chatted and climbed into bed. We had amazing sex, he was so exhausted from working like a made man he was sleeping before I knew it. I wasn't far behind him. Then I had a dream I was falling and I woke with a jerk. My heart was pounding and I was in a cold sweat.

I got up and put on a T-shirt and climbed back into bed. MA was very cuddly. This is very unusual. He normally rolls to his side of the bed with his back to me. Again we don't sleep well together. Him worse then me lately. Every so often through out the night he may reach out and touch my leg, back or kiss my shoulder, but other then that our bodies don't cross in the night. Tonight was very different. He was facing me, he was touching me, wrapped around me. Very affectionate. Now thinking back on it he was different sexually as well. More loving, if that is even possible. I don't know how to explain it, but it was different.

I laid there for a while and watched him sleep, waiting for my heart to stop pounding, but it never slowed instead it starting speeding up. The longer I laid there with his body tangled in mine, the harder my heart pounded, I was sweating, and it became hard to breath. For a very split second I almost told him I loved him, and that just pushed me right over the edge. I had to go. I could not stay a second longer.

I don't ever want to go back to that place. He pushed me out of his heart months ago, why now is he pulling me back. I am NOT who he wants, does he not remember that. I have finally excepted that. I chose to stay with him and keep it casual. I can't go back there. I have not shed a tear over him since the middle of February.

Now sitting here thinking back over this week, we are back to where we were. Spending ever available hour together. That had stopped. We actually were going a week sometimes even two. Now it is like he can't get enough of me all of a sudden. He is making time for me, even when he is completly burned out and exhausted. I am the last person he talks to at night, and the first person he talks to in the morning. Why am I complaining? Because I can't go there again and be hurt. The pain I felt when my heart broke was unbearable. I have a high pain tolerance, but it was hell. I am scared. Very scared.

So now here I sit in the middle of the night, in tears. I don't know what to do. I am so confused. I want to talk to him, but I don't want to open up to him. I can't do more salt in these wounds. He looked at me tonight in a way he hasn't looked at me in months. The way his eyes drink me up and burn into my soul. The way he savors every inch of me with his finger tips as they pierce my skin. I felt that love from him that I haven't felt in a very long time. It scared me. Scared me so bad I am at home in front of this computer instead of being tucked peacefully in his bed.

I really don't know what to do next. I am hoping now that I have got these thoughts out of my head and down on this blog I will be able to get an hour or two of sleep. I have dried my tears and have taken a deep breath. Maybe tomorrow things will become clearer. Maybe tomorrow I will be stronger. My mom used to tell me that I will feel better after a good nights sleep. Well lets hope she is right.

A Little History.

August 2004 I was working a night shift, he came down stairs around 9pm and we started chatting. We had not spoke much to each other prior to this. All of a sudden it was 3:30am and we were still deep in conversation. We talked of our past, of our marriages, and our spouses. I said to him "the grass is never greener on the other side" I also said that night "sex is over rated"

This time in my life was very lonely. I had just had my job title and description change. I wasn't happy about this change at all. My marriage was dark and lonely. I just did what I had to do to keep everyone living under my roof happy. My thoughts, feelings and happiness never seemed to matter much.

That night we talked I felt something I hadn't felt in years and years. There was this spark, this chemistry. We completely and totally connected. There was no flirting, or talk that might be considered inappropriate. There was this unexplainable connection, and hours of great conversation. It was amazing to have someone actually hear what I was saying, and respond in a positive way. This was something I was lacking and missing in my marriage.

That night past and life continued on as normal. I would see him in passing and every time my heart would pound, and my face would flush. I started fantasizing about him. Spending time thinking about him and that night.

Christmas came and went, he invited my husband and I to his house for New Years Eve. I declined coming up with one excuse or another. I could not imagine being in his home with his wife. Even though nothing had happened I do think it would have been very uncomfortable.

His wife went away in the beginning January he called the office looking for a coworker. We were on the phone that night for over 3 hours, just chatting. He never did talk to that coworker. He asked for my email address so he could send me some information he had. The next day I received an email from him. I replied thanking him. Again it was all very innocent. After that week the emails started a few a week, again just chatting about life, nothing too personal. As friends we really clicked.

The emails became more and more frequent, until they were up to a few or more a day. Then the phone calls started here and there nothing too regular. He mentioned to me that he and some other people from work were going out and that I should join them. Neither one of us went out often, between work and family it was rare thing.

We went out that night, had many beverages. We were at the bar and there was a lot of people there, and at one point I was pushed into his back, the next thing you know we were randomly touching each other. We snuck out together early. We walked and talked and talked and walked. At one point we were holding hands and just talking. I of course had to much to drink which in turn makes me say too much. I told him of the attraction I had for him, and the fantasies I had had. He told me the same. He walked me all the way home and we were saying good bye, and he took me into his arms and kissed me. A kiss that I will never forget. I remember walking away feeling this incredible high. I was in ahhhh..

When I woke up the next morning, I was angry with myself for crossing that line. I was angry for telling him the things I did. I wanted to email him and tell him how sorry I was. I would sit down at the computer and start to type, but nothing sounded right. Nothing that day could undue what we did. He never sent me a email that day, which really added to that sick feeling I was having. I remember thinking I didn't want things to be weird between us.

Monday morning my phone rings, it was him. Saying all those things I was feeling. He was feeling them as well. He felt he pushed himself on me. I was feeling I pushed myself on him. We decided that day to never cross that line again and to remain as good friends. We really had leaned on each other over the last few months and both were grateful for the support. It sounded simple enough then.

Confiction Between the Heart and the Head!

"A man reserves his true and deepest love not for the species

of woman in whose company he finds himself electrified and en kindled,

but for that one in whose company he may feel tenderly drowsy."

It has been 9 long days since I have been with my addiction. I have to admit it has been a very long 9 days. The last time I was in his arms was last Saturday night. I spent the whole night. I should have never done that. To me there is such a big difference between having sex, and going home, then there is in having sex and then falling asleep in each others arms.

We have never "slept" well together. He is a light sleeper and has slept alone for years. His wife and him had separate rooms. I really don't sleep well to start with and to top it off I feel as though you are most vulnerable when you are asleep. Almost like an open book. This time was so different. I slept and he slept. There is something to be said about a random kiss on your bare shoulder in the middle of the night, or a wondering hand rubbing your back, or just reaching out to touch you. I had to be up early the next day, but I didn't want to go. I didn't want to leave the safe comfort of his bed, or his embrace.

I keep trying to convince myself that this means nothing. I'm trying so hard not to go back to that place I was in. I keep trying to push him away emotionally. I no longer tell him how I feel, I don't let it known that my heart is in his hands. I no longer send those emails that are full of feelings and emotion. I no longer share that. I tell myself everyday that I can handle what we have. Just to enjoy and don't make an issue out of it. My heart is screaming and my head is spinning.

My good friend asked me last week if he was to ask me pursue a relationship, to come out of this closet we have been in for over two years if that would make me happy? She asked me if that is what I really wanted? I honestly had to say NO. As much as I think I want that, I don't truly believe it is. I am not ready to be in any kind of relationship. There are so many reasons that it would be a mistake with him, not to mention our ex spouses and the headaches that would bring.

So as the days pass, I float along waiting for life to happen. One day I would really like to have that connection again, that love you can get lost in. I want to feel it, but even more so I want it returned at the same time I am feeling it. I never thought that this kind of love actually existed. I always believed it was only in fairy tales. The night we stood outside in the dark and he took me in his arms and kissed me, I realized that night that it really did exist. I have never experienced a kiss that could knock you off your feet until that night.

So for today. For right now, my heart and my head are fighting. My head is telling me to walk away, my heart is begging for one more day, one more kiss, one more touch.

Unrequited Love

Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other, but what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone. We are the victims of a one sided affair. We are the cursed of the love ones. We are the unloved ones. Walking wounded, the handicap without the advantage of a great parking space.

Yes you are reading about one such individual. I have willingly loved a man for over two miserable years. The absolute worst years of my life. The worst Christmas's, the worst Birthdays, New Years Eve's brought in by tears and Valium. These years that I have been in love have been the darkest days of my life. All because I've been cursed by being in love with a man who does not and will not love me back. Oh god just the sight of him, heart pounding, throat thickening absolutely can't swallow. All the usual symptoms.

There once was a time that he confessed his undying love for me. Told me I was the love of his life. Mind you it was safer then, he was married and I was married, neither one of us had any intention on leaving our spouses. Now without the security of our marriages, he tells me he doesn't know what love is. He tells me he has personal issues to work out. What happened to that two years we shared when a day never past without him telling me he loved everything about me.

There was a few times during those years that I tried to break things off with him, it was too much for me. He wouldn't let it happen. When I would not answer his phone calls and emails, he would show up at work and again tell me he can't live without me being a part in his life. Now well everything is so different. It is no longer about how much he loves me, but instead how great our sex life is, how he loves how many times he can make me cum. How he is horny.

Tonight we were talking he was telling me about this girl that is very much taken by him. She has made it known that she will one day be with him. This girl calls often and is pushing very hard to date him. He says he is not at all interested. So I tell him to tell this girl that. How hard can it be? Well he then tells me he tells her that he is really not into dating yet, and how he doesn't want to cause more problems between him and his ex wife. Making a ton of excuses. He told me he really doesn't want to hurt this girl. It was like he slapped me in the face. He won't let me go because he doesn't want to hurt me. I am his charity case.

Or maybe it's all about a cat and mouse game. He broke things off with me, I was hurt and sad. All of the time keeping him as a friend the daily emails and phone calls through out the day never stoped. Not wanting to let him know how broken I really was. I got over it and started moving forward. As soon as he sensed I was okay without him, not needing him, he then started to seduce me all over again. I gave into the his power, but stayed very distant. Sensing this he tried harder, buying me dinner, bring me chocolates, making time to see me, and many other things. Then once he sensed those feelings again he pushed me away once again. Making those excuses on how busy he is, and how tired he is. Making me feel very unimportant.

Is this a cat and mouse game with him? I am starting to tire of what ever it is. He is taking his kids away this week for spring break. I am hoping I can find the strength to move forward during this time apart. I need to put him behind me. It is time. I am better then just a Charity case. Yes the sex is out of this world, I could spend hours and hours just making out with him, but even so he doesn't have a clue all of what I desire sexually. He would never be able to full fill any of those fantasy I have.

So today is a new day, it is a brand new week. I need to focus on me. Wish me luck.

Yesterday Another Great, But Bad Morning.

Wow I made it five days before once again giving into that great force. Another morning meeting. It was amazing. Although I really screwed up this time. I felt that rush of feelings again. I don't know what it was. Or why now, I do know better. I tried to distance myself during, but it just wasn't working. I left his house feeling empty, once again wanting more.

The sex was very erotic. It lasted well over two hours. We did everything in every position. Laying, sitting, me on top, him on top, behind, on the side. Cuming again again. Why can't I just find that damn strength. If I am going to continue to have no will power, then at least toughen up a bit.

If you have it, you don't want it.
If you want it, you don't have it.
If you have it, you want more of it.
If you had more of it, you don't want less of it.
You need it to get it.
And you certainly need it to get more of it.

But, if you don't already have it to begin with,
You can't get any of it to get started with.
Which means you really have no idea how to get it in the first place.
Do you?

Once again feeling very frustrated with myself. I need to go back and reread some of those emails. I need to focus on the time he won't make for me. How I am nothing to him. Focus girl, Focus.....

Temptation is a Bitch!

Things do not change;

we change.

I have good news and bad news. I managed to stay away last night. Although this morning I gave into the temptation. It was 3 hours of complete bliss. As always the sex was out of this world. That man just amazes me. I got that fix. I have been high all day. My body has released all tension and stress.

I have to admit it was different for me today. I had a totally different outlook on it. I have distanced myself. I was disconnected. The sex was just as good, it was just way easier to walk away from him today. There was no prolonged kiss at the door. Just a short and sweet "it was fun, see ya" from me, a smile from him. There was no plan for a future get together. I am going to assume that there won't be.

He went to see the counselor today. The one that has discouraged us from our past relationship. The one that broke my confidence. The one I won't see again. He wasn't too forth coming with the details of the session in his email. I don't even care to ask. In a way I want to keep my head up my ass it is easier that way.

Friendship often ends in love;
but love in friendship - never.

I did it. I found the strength to stay at home last night. I was not tempted by his voice, his promises of pleasure. I was stronger then that addiction.

Unfortunately I can not say that for today. He came down to office to get some work done. He walked into my office. His scent was intoxicating, he walked over to my chair where I was sitting, he bent down and looked into my eyes with those deep dark eyes of his and laid his hands on my shoulders. I melted like butter on a hot day. He reached down pulling me up and tight into his hard body. He pushed me up against the wall and devoured me. The next thing I know I was cumming in his hand, okay so a few times.

It has been 15 days since we decided to end things. I have been through the heart break. I have been through the feeling of rejection. I was just getting used to the fact that we were never meant to be more then good friends. By giving in to that need I am just setting myself up once again for more heartache. What is a girl to do.

When he left the office he told me how badly he wanted me, how he couldn't wait to have my naked body in tangled with his. I found the strength to remind him of what he had told me. How he had personal issues to deal with and he could no longer continue our sexual affair. How he didn't love me, he was lost. He needed time to focus on himself. He didn't want to hurt me anymore, blaaa, blaaaa, blaaa (all of these lines I have used to get out of relationships I didn't want to be in) When I reminded him of these things, he simply said to me "I don't want to think about that this week, you have had a hard week" He made it out like he was doing me the favor.

So here sit, needing, wanting and craving worse then ever. I know what I should do. I know what I shouldn't do. I just don't think I have the strength to say no. The stupidest part of this whole situation I have found myself in is that I don't want to hurt his feelings or hurt him in anyway. That is including his self esteem. If I reject him, how is he going to feel?

HELP ME!!!!!!!! I NEED STRENGTH.

Addiction!!!

Any change,
even a change for the better,
is always accompanied by
drawbacks and discomforts.

I am wanting and craving him so badly. I know that it is an addiction like any other addiction. This is not love I am feeling. It is a need, like the need to eat or sleep. The need a junkie has for a fix. I have to keep reading over the lines that he fed my way, when he was wanting out. I am NOT who he wants. Remember he wanted to break it off with me months ago, but he didn't because I was going through a rough time. Well it isn't going to ever get easier on me. I have stayed away this long. Andy keep strong. I am feeling that I am not good enough for him. I don't think he respects me as a person. I think he sees me as easy. I am just filling that sexual void until he can find better. I do honestly think he wants that "better" Today he talked about his sexual confidence being up after being with me. He had a hard sexual time with his ex and he didn't have any self confidence or esteem left after her. So now that he knows he can please a women he wants to go test that water. I said to him today "I was the transition girl" he laughed and said yes.

I was good for his self esteem and his self confidence and he has destroyed mine. I really see me for what I am. Over weight, unattractive, getting older by the second. I am undesired. I am easy with low self respect and self worth. I have never been able to say NO to him. I am like his free call girl. When he called I always came, even when I didn't want to. I changed my schedule or would see him when I was tired, or sick. Not once did he ever return that favor. Today was the first time I said I couldn't come over tonight because I was going to be too tired. If only he knew how badly I needed that fix. I need to feel that feeling of being desired, even sexy. I have to remember and dig deep this is a false feeling, he doesn't desire me or see me as sexy. I am a cum catcher.

He keeps saying I don't really know him. I think the fact is I indeed know him. I know him oh so well.

I need to turn my focus on something other then him. I need to focus on me and my body, my soul and my mind. I need to lose weight, I need to become healthier physically and mentally. I have to start this today. I have to find that strength on Friday morning. I need to tell him I can't come over. I need to tell him not to talk to our counselor on my behalf. I can look after myself. I can stand on my own two feet with my head held high. I don't need a man in my life to exist. I don't need a man in my life at all. I am a strong independent girl. I can do this.