Addiction!!!

Any change,
even a change for the better,
is always accompanied by
drawbacks and discomforts.

I am wanting and craving him so badly. I know that it is an addiction like any other addiction. This is not love I am feeling. It is a need, like the need to eat or sleep. The need a junkie has for a fix. I have to keep reading over the lines that he fed my way, when he was wanting out. I am NOT who he wants. Remember he wanted to break it off with me months ago, but he didn't because I was going through a rough time. Well it isn't going to ever get easier on me. I have stayed away this long. Andy keep strong. I am feeling that I am not good enough for him. I don't think he respects me as a person. I think he sees me as easy. I am just filling that sexual void until he can find better. I do honestly think he wants that "better" Today he talked about his sexual confidence being up after being with me. He had a hard sexual time with his ex and he didn't have any self confidence or esteem left after her. So now that he knows he can please a women he wants to go test that water. I said to him today "I was the transition girl" he laughed and said yes.

I was good for his self esteem and his self confidence and he has destroyed mine. I really see me for what I am. Over weight, unattractive, getting older by the second. I am undesired. I am easy with low self respect and self worth. I have never been able to say NO to him. I am like his free call girl. When he called I always came, even when I didn't want to. I changed my schedule or would see him when I was tired, or sick. Not once did he ever return that favor. Today was the first time I said I couldn't come over tonight because I was going to be too tired. If only he knew how badly I needed that fix. I need to feel that feeling of being desired, even sexy. I have to remember and dig deep this is a false feeling, he doesn't desire me or see me as sexy. I am a cum catcher.

He keeps saying I don't really know him. I think the fact is I indeed know him. I know him oh so well.

I need to turn my focus on something other then him. I need to focus on me and my body, my soul and my mind. I need to lose weight, I need to become healthier physically and mentally. I have to start this today. I have to find that strength on Friday morning. I need to tell him I can't come over. I need to tell him not to talk to our counselor on my behalf. I can look after myself. I can stand on my own two feet with my head held high. I don't need a man in my life to exist. I don't need a man in my life at all. I am a strong independent girl. I can do this.