Confiction Between the Heart and the Head!

"A man reserves his true and deepest love not for the species

of woman in whose company he finds himself electrified and en kindled,

but for that one in whose company he may feel tenderly drowsy."

It has been 9 long days since I have been with my addiction. I have to admit it has been a very long 9 days. The last time I was in his arms was last Saturday night. I spent the whole night. I should have never done that. To me there is such a big difference between having sex, and going home, then there is in having sex and then falling asleep in each others arms.

We have never "slept" well together. He is a light sleeper and has slept alone for years. His wife and him had separate rooms. I really don't sleep well to start with and to top it off I feel as though you are most vulnerable when you are asleep. Almost like an open book. This time was so different. I slept and he slept. There is something to be said about a random kiss on your bare shoulder in the middle of the night, or a wondering hand rubbing your back, or just reaching out to touch you. I had to be up early the next day, but I didn't want to go. I didn't want to leave the safe comfort of his bed, or his embrace.

I keep trying to convince myself that this means nothing. I'm trying so hard not to go back to that place I was in. I keep trying to push him away emotionally. I no longer tell him how I feel, I don't let it known that my heart is in his hands. I no longer send those emails that are full of feelings and emotion. I no longer share that. I tell myself everyday that I can handle what we have. Just to enjoy and don't make an issue out of it. My heart is screaming and my head is spinning.

My good friend asked me last week if he was to ask me pursue a relationship, to come out of this closet we have been in for over two years if that would make me happy? She asked me if that is what I really wanted? I honestly had to say NO. As much as I think I want that, I don't truly believe it is. I am not ready to be in any kind of relationship. There are so many reasons that it would be a mistake with him, not to mention our ex spouses and the headaches that would bring.

So as the days pass, I float along waiting for life to happen. One day I would really like to have that connection again, that love you can get lost in. I want to feel it, but even more so I want it returned at the same time I am feeling it. I never thought that this kind of love actually existed. I always believed it was only in fairy tales. The night we stood outside in the dark and he took me in his arms and kissed me, I realized that night that it really did exist. I have never experienced a kiss that could knock you off your feet until that night.

So for today. For right now, my heart and my head are fighting. My head is telling me to walk away, my heart is begging for one more day, one more kiss, one more touch.