Panic Attack!

It has been a bit of a crazy week. I have spent a ton of time with MA (my addiction). I was there all morning and day on Thursday. I spent the night on Saturday, and tonight I was suppose to spend the night, but the strangest thing happened to me. I had a panic attack, I freaked out and I got up and ran. I couldn't get out of there and home fast enough. I don't know what happened.

Everything was fine when I got there. We chatted and climbed into bed. We had amazing sex, he was so exhausted from working like a made man he was sleeping before I knew it. I wasn't far behind him. Then I had a dream I was falling and I woke with a jerk. My heart was pounding and I was in a cold sweat.

I got up and put on a T-shirt and climbed back into bed. MA was very cuddly. This is very unusual. He normally rolls to his side of the bed with his back to me. Again we don't sleep well together. Him worse then me lately. Every so often through out the night he may reach out and touch my leg, back or kiss my shoulder, but other then that our bodies don't cross in the night. Tonight was very different. He was facing me, he was touching me, wrapped around me. Very affectionate. Now thinking back on it he was different sexually as well. More loving, if that is even possible. I don't know how to explain it, but it was different.

I laid there for a while and watched him sleep, waiting for my heart to stop pounding, but it never slowed instead it starting speeding up. The longer I laid there with his body tangled in mine, the harder my heart pounded, I was sweating, and it became hard to breath. For a very split second I almost told him I loved him, and that just pushed me right over the edge. I had to go. I could not stay a second longer.

I don't ever want to go back to that place. He pushed me out of his heart months ago, why now is he pulling me back. I am NOT who he wants, does he not remember that. I have finally excepted that. I chose to stay with him and keep it casual. I can't go back there. I have not shed a tear over him since the middle of February.

Now sitting here thinking back over this week, we are back to where we were. Spending ever available hour together. That had stopped. We actually were going a week sometimes even two. Now it is like he can't get enough of me all of a sudden. He is making time for me, even when he is completly burned out and exhausted. I am the last person he talks to at night, and the first person he talks to in the morning. Why am I complaining? Because I can't go there again and be hurt. The pain I felt when my heart broke was unbearable. I have a high pain tolerance, but it was hell. I am scared. Very scared.

So now here I sit in the middle of the night, in tears. I don't know what to do. I am so confused. I want to talk to him, but I don't want to open up to him. I can't do more salt in these wounds. He looked at me tonight in a way he hasn't looked at me in months. The way his eyes drink me up and burn into my soul. The way he savors every inch of me with his finger tips as they pierce my skin. I felt that love from him that I haven't felt in a very long time. It scared me. Scared me so bad I am at home in front of this computer instead of being tucked peacefully in his bed.

I really don't know what to do next. I am hoping now that I have got these thoughts out of my head and down on this blog I will be able to get an hour or two of sleep. I have dried my tears and have taken a deep breath. Maybe tomorrow things will become clearer. Maybe tomorrow I will be stronger. My mom used to tell me that I will feel better after a good nights sleep. Well lets hope she is right.