Unrequited Love

Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other, but what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone. We are the victims of a one sided affair. We are the cursed of the love ones. We are the unloved ones. Walking wounded, the handicap without the advantage of a great parking space.

Yes you are reading about one such individual. I have willingly loved a man for over two miserable years. The absolute worst years of my life. The worst Christmas's, the worst Birthdays, New Years Eve's brought in by tears and Valium. These years that I have been in love have been the darkest days of my life. All because I've been cursed by being in love with a man who does not and will not love me back. Oh god just the sight of him, heart pounding, throat thickening absolutely can't swallow. All the usual symptoms.

There once was a time that he confessed his undying love for me. Told me I was the love of his life. Mind you it was safer then, he was married and I was married, neither one of us had any intention on leaving our spouses. Now without the security of our marriages, he tells me he doesn't know what love is. He tells me he has personal issues to work out. What happened to that two years we shared when a day never past without him telling me he loved everything about me.

There was a few times during those years that I tried to break things off with him, it was too much for me. He wouldn't let it happen. When I would not answer his phone calls and emails, he would show up at work and again tell me he can't live without me being a part in his life. Now well everything is so different. It is no longer about how much he loves me, but instead how great our sex life is, how he loves how many times he can make me cum. How he is horny.

Tonight we were talking he was telling me about this girl that is very much taken by him. She has made it known that she will one day be with him. This girl calls often and is pushing very hard to date him. He says he is not at all interested. So I tell him to tell this girl that. How hard can it be? Well he then tells me he tells her that he is really not into dating yet, and how he doesn't want to cause more problems between him and his ex wife. Making a ton of excuses. He told me he really doesn't want to hurt this girl. It was like he slapped me in the face. He won't let me go because he doesn't want to hurt me. I am his charity case.

Or maybe it's all about a cat and mouse game. He broke things off with me, I was hurt and sad. All of the time keeping him as a friend the daily emails and phone calls through out the day never stoped. Not wanting to let him know how broken I really was. I got over it and started moving forward. As soon as he sensed I was okay without him, not needing him, he then started to seduce me all over again. I gave into the his power, but stayed very distant. Sensing this he tried harder, buying me dinner, bring me chocolates, making time to see me, and many other things. Then once he sensed those feelings again he pushed me away once again. Making those excuses on how busy he is, and how tired he is. Making me feel very unimportant.

Is this a cat and mouse game with him? I am starting to tire of what ever it is. He is taking his kids away this week for spring break. I am hoping I can find the strength to move forward during this time apart. I need to put him behind me. It is time. I am better then just a Charity case. Yes the sex is out of this world, I could spend hours and hours just making out with him, but even so he doesn't have a clue all of what I desire sexually. He would never be able to full fill any of those fantasy I have.

So today is a new day, it is a brand new week. I need to focus on me. Wish me luck.

Yesterday Another Great, But Bad Morning.

Wow I made it five days before once again giving into that great force. Another morning meeting. It was amazing. Although I really screwed up this time. I felt that rush of feelings again. I don't know what it was. Or why now, I do know better. I tried to distance myself during, but it just wasn't working. I left his house feeling empty, once again wanting more.

The sex was very erotic. It lasted well over two hours. We did everything in every position. Laying, sitting, me on top, him on top, behind, on the side. Cuming again again. Why can't I just find that damn strength. If I am going to continue to have no will power, then at least toughen up a bit.

If you have it, you don't want it.
If you want it, you don't have it.
If you have it, you want more of it.
If you had more of it, you don't want less of it.
You need it to get it.
And you certainly need it to get more of it.

But, if you don't already have it to begin with,
You can't get any of it to get started with.
Which means you really have no idea how to get it in the first place.
Do you?

Once again feeling very frustrated with myself. I need to go back and reread some of those emails. I need to focus on the time he won't make for me. How I am nothing to him. Focus girl, Focus.....

Temptation is a Bitch!

Things do not change;

we change.

I have good news and bad news. I managed to stay away last night. Although this morning I gave into the temptation. It was 3 hours of complete bliss. As always the sex was out of this world. That man just amazes me. I got that fix. I have been high all day. My body has released all tension and stress.

I have to admit it was different for me today. I had a totally different outlook on it. I have distanced myself. I was disconnected. The sex was just as good, it was just way easier to walk away from him today. There was no prolonged kiss at the door. Just a short and sweet "it was fun, see ya" from me, a smile from him. There was no plan for a future get together. I am going to assume that there won't be.

He went to see the counselor today. The one that has discouraged us from our past relationship. The one that broke my confidence. The one I won't see again. He wasn't too forth coming with the details of the session in his email. I don't even care to ask. In a way I want to keep my head up my ass it is easier that way.

Friendship often ends in love;
but love in friendship - never.

I did it. I found the strength to stay at home last night. I was not tempted by his voice, his promises of pleasure. I was stronger then that addiction.

Unfortunately I can not say that for today. He came down to office to get some work done. He walked into my office. His scent was intoxicating, he walked over to my chair where I was sitting, he bent down and looked into my eyes with those deep dark eyes of his and laid his hands on my shoulders. I melted like butter on a hot day. He reached down pulling me up and tight into his hard body. He pushed me up against the wall and devoured me. The next thing I know I was cumming in his hand, okay so a few times.

It has been 15 days since we decided to end things. I have been through the heart break. I have been through the feeling of rejection. I was just getting used to the fact that we were never meant to be more then good friends. By giving in to that need I am just setting myself up once again for more heartache. What is a girl to do.

When he left the office he told me how badly he wanted me, how he couldn't wait to have my naked body in tangled with his. I found the strength to remind him of what he had told me. How he had personal issues to deal with and he could no longer continue our sexual affair. How he didn't love me, he was lost. He needed time to focus on himself. He didn't want to hurt me anymore, blaaa, blaaaa, blaaa (all of these lines I have used to get out of relationships I didn't want to be in) When I reminded him of these things, he simply said to me "I don't want to think about that this week, you have had a hard week" He made it out like he was doing me the favor.

So here sit, needing, wanting and craving worse then ever. I know what I should do. I know what I shouldn't do. I just don't think I have the strength to say no. The stupidest part of this whole situation I have found myself in is that I don't want to hurt his feelings or hurt him in anyway. That is including his self esteem. If I reject him, how is he going to feel?

HELP ME!!!!!!!! I NEED STRENGTH.

Addiction!!!

Any change,
even a change for the better,
is always accompanied by
drawbacks and discomforts.

I am wanting and craving him so badly. I know that it is an addiction like any other addiction. This is not love I am feeling. It is a need, like the need to eat or sleep. The need a junkie has for a fix. I have to keep reading over the lines that he fed my way, when he was wanting out. I am NOT who he wants. Remember he wanted to break it off with me months ago, but he didn't because I was going through a rough time. Well it isn't going to ever get easier on me. I have stayed away this long. Andy keep strong. I am feeling that I am not good enough for him. I don't think he respects me as a person. I think he sees me as easy. I am just filling that sexual void until he can find better. I do honestly think he wants that "better" Today he talked about his sexual confidence being up after being with me. He had a hard sexual time with his ex and he didn't have any self confidence or esteem left after her. So now that he knows he can please a women he wants to go test that water. I said to him today "I was the transition girl" he laughed and said yes.

I was good for his self esteem and his self confidence and he has destroyed mine. I really see me for what I am. Over weight, unattractive, getting older by the second. I am undesired. I am easy with low self respect and self worth. I have never been able to say NO to him. I am like his free call girl. When he called I always came, even when I didn't want to. I changed my schedule or would see him when I was tired, or sick. Not once did he ever return that favor. Today was the first time I said I couldn't come over tonight because I was going to be too tired. If only he knew how badly I needed that fix. I need to feel that feeling of being desired, even sexy. I have to remember and dig deep this is a false feeling, he doesn't desire me or see me as sexy. I am a cum catcher.

He keeps saying I don't really know him. I think the fact is I indeed know him. I know him oh so well.

I need to turn my focus on something other then him. I need to focus on me and my body, my soul and my mind. I need to lose weight, I need to become healthier physically and mentally. I have to start this today. I have to find that strength on Friday morning. I need to tell him I can't come over. I need to tell him not to talk to our counselor on my behalf. I can look after myself. I can stand on my own two feet with my head held high. I don't need a man in my life to exist. I don't need a man in my life at all. I am a strong independent girl. I can do this.