Moving Forward!

Love is only a dirty trick
played on us to achieve continuation of the species.

Today MA and I were talking on the phone, as we often do. He told me that he had to be totally honest with me. He admitted to me that he has very strong feelings for the women he is with and has been with for some time now. I really wanted to be happy for him, but I am dying inside. It made me cry. It brought back this pain. I thought I was moving forward. I thought I was beyond this. I don't know what happened.

Over the last year we still have met sexually on the odd occasion. We still email everyday, and call each other often as well. Not only did he tell me how in love he was with this girl, but he also admitted to still missing me and wanting me sexually. That just made me feel dirty. He said him and I really didn't have a relationship. So I guess that just confirms that I was just a dirty affair. I gave up my husband, I killed my family, all for this great love I really thought I had. Now I really know the truth.

Today my heart has once again been ripped from my chest. I am feeling the loss of him once again, but today I am also feeling the loss of my life before him. I haven't been able to get on with my life. Yes I am dating a good man, who loves me dearly, but my heart has never been there. I have not allowed myself to have deep feelings for him because of MA. I have sabotaged my life for the last 4 years for what?

Well I guess that was a wake up call I needed. I have NO idea what to do from this point. I don't know what to think or feel. I don't know what path I should take now. It is now time to move forward in my life. Stop dwelling on the past. It is now nothing more then the past.

Fresh Start!

I don't wish to be everything to everyone,

but I would like to be something to someone.

I was seeing someone, we worked together. Then I found out he was also seeing this other girl. Turned out he wasn't in love with me like I thought.

What I'm trying to say is I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible, and how it can actually ache in places that you didn't know you had inside of you, and it doesn't matter how many new hair cuts you get or how much you workout, or how much wine you drink with your girlfriends, you still go to bed every single night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or wonder how you could have misunderstood and how in the hell for that brief moment you can think you were that happy. Sometimes you can even convince yourself that he will see the light and show up at your door.

After all that, how ever long all that may be, you will go somewhere new and you will meet people that will make you feel worth while again and little pieces of your soul will finally come back and all those years of your life that you wasted that will eventually begin to fade.