Second Best

Who looks outside, dreams;
who looks inside, awakes.

Feeling blue today. I am feeling that I am the consolation prize. Never good enough to be "the one" but you know.... when that doesn't work out with "the one" I will do in a pinch. I was "the one" once, but he wasn't for me. Will it ever happen when I am in love with the person who is so in love with me, or will I ever be in love with a man who loves me equally back. This seems like something so simple, but for me seems impossible.

Once upon
A time
There was
Truth to the
Myth of what
You
And I
Had found
In a blank paged
Fairy tale.

Snow White
Doesn't sleep
In a casket made of
Glass
Slippers will break
If you wear them.

Walk across this
Written word
With fingers
Gently
Seeking
Loving
You
And me
No more.

He loves
Me
He loves me!
Not
Enough.

To:
My Valentine
Will you
Be mine
No longer . . .

MA once said to me "we have been living a fairytale". He was right. Fairy tales are not real and what we had was not real either. I tell myself this a lot, but still it does not dull the pain.

I woke today feeling blue and bit down. I realized that I am letting MA go, slowly he is drifting further and further away. This makes me sad. I am affraid of what lays ahead in my life. I am affraid of sharing me, my heart, my soul. I am afraid that I am unable to love a man who loves me back.

Silence!!!

I was cold and hurting

lost out in the night

wandering and searching

for heaven's light

I saw the night sky clearing

when you spread your rainbow wings

But little did I know

what joy you would bring

From that moment on

a friendship did start

you kissed away my tears

and sheltered my heart

I bless the day God

sent him from above

But then I grew fearful

for I had fallen in love

I told you this feeling

and what did you say?

You said you liked our friendship

and that's how it would stay

I cried for a friendship I thought I lost

But then felt your warm, gentle hand

You then whispered in my ear

that by my side you'll forever stand

But when I looked back he was gone, I was left there standing in complete silence. The silence was so deafening, but I am learning to enjoy the silence and it is being to sound peaceful.

What Happened???

I sent the email. MA received the email, acknowledged the email, and did say he would respond. He never did. Instead he has chose to ignore the fact that I even sent such a thing. He has continued to call and email as always.

He invited me over on Monday, I declined. He invited me over on Tuesday, again I declined. He even pleaded with me, he could not believe I said "NO" this has never happened before. Wednesday he told me how much he missed me, and how badly he wanted me etc... I tried declining, I tried making up excuses. I tried to think of things to make me angry at him so I could just not go. None worked. I went and seen him.

He held me, he kissed every inch of my body, his touch was intoxicating, he drank me in with his eyes. He sent many waves of pleasure through me. We feel asleep wrapped tightly together. I woke up before dawn, I laid there for over an hour watching him sleep. He seemed so a peace. I was angry at myself for not having the strength to stay away. I got up and left without waking him.

I had to work with him yesterday, he told me how much he loved making love to me, how happy he was. How he wanted more, how he just can't get enough. He has called me a few times today telling me how badly he is missing me. He still doesn't get it. I am not asking for a relationship, a marriage proposal, or even a commitment per say. I just want him to love me like he use to.

Oops!!

Lead me not into temptation;

I can find the way myself.

Sent!

It has been 7 days. 7 days without a single touch or kiss.

I did it! I sent the dreaded email. He hasn't opened it yet. He has to work early tomorrow morning and probably won't open it until after work. I feel sick to my stomach. I hit send and then went out for a good long walk. It is amazing how that can clear you mind.

Funny thing is I ended up at MH's apartment. We chatted for over an hour. I hope I did the right thing. I think MH is finally moving on. He seems happier. I am happy for him. I am happy he can exsist without me. I knew he could. Now so does he.

If you love something set if free. If it doesn't return it was never meant to be! Now I sit and wait. I really do not have patience. This is not a good thing for me. Breath......

Broken Hearted

I could have held you all night long,
I could have laid next to you forever,
But then I know tomorrow soon would come,
And still we couldn't be together . . .

I went against what my head was saying,
and followed my heart through,
And instead of quitting while I was ahead,
I started falling in love with you

We had so much fun together,
the memories we made so great,
all those nights laughing and smiling,
staying up so late.

As the snow falls on the sidewalks,
I know this too will pass,
for feelings are like the seasons changing,
and one season never lasts.

So, I know this must stop now,
and tomorrow soon will come,
as we walk away and never look back,
as our warm feelings become numb.

I cried all the way home on Monday morning. I still haven't sent him the email. So he still has no idea that Sunday night was our last night. He has had a long hard week so I really didn't want to add to his misery. We worked together a couple days this week. We have still chatted a few times a day. It is as if everything is the same. Other then my heart is breaking a little more each day.

I don't know what I am waiting for. I guess I am scared. He asked me to come over tomorrow night. He asked if I could come early, but then commented about it still be day light! I can't help feeling that he is embarrassed of me. Gawd forbid anyone ever know he has been sleeping with me for the last two and half years. He has made a make believe women up to tell the guys who he as been with, so they will get off his back, and stop trying to get him laid. Again I guess a fake women is better then me.