Moving Forward!

Love is only a dirty trick
played on us to achieve continuation of the species.

Today MA and I were talking on the phone, as we often do. He told me that he had to be totally honest with me. He admitted to me that he has very strong feelings for the women he is with and has been with for some time now. I really wanted to be happy for him, but I am dying inside. It made me cry. It brought back this pain. I thought I was moving forward. I thought I was beyond this. I don't know what happened.

Over the last year we still have met sexually on the odd occasion. We still email everyday, and call each other often as well. Not only did he tell me how in love he was with this girl, but he also admitted to still missing me and wanting me sexually. That just made me feel dirty. He said him and I really didn't have a relationship. So I guess that just confirms that I was just a dirty affair. I gave up my husband, I killed my family, all for this great love I really thought I had. Now I really know the truth.

Today my heart has once again been ripped from my chest. I am feeling the loss of him once again, but today I am also feeling the loss of my life before him. I haven't been able to get on with my life. Yes I am dating a good man, who loves me dearly, but my heart has never been there. I have not allowed myself to have deep feelings for him because of MA. I have sabotaged my life for the last 4 years for what?

Well I guess that was a wake up call I needed. I have NO idea what to do from this point. I don't know what to think or feel. I don't know what path I should take now. It is now time to move forward in my life. Stop dwelling on the past. It is now nothing more then the past.

Fresh Start!

I don't wish to be everything to everyone,

but I would like to be something to someone.

I was seeing someone, we worked together. Then I found out he was also seeing this other girl. Turned out he wasn't in love with me like I thought.

What I'm trying to say is I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible, and how it can actually ache in places that you didn't know you had inside of you, and it doesn't matter how many new hair cuts you get or how much you workout, or how much wine you drink with your girlfriends, you still go to bed every single night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or wonder how you could have misunderstood and how in the hell for that brief moment you can think you were that happy. Sometimes you can even convince yourself that he will see the light and show up at your door.

After all that, how ever long all that may be, you will go somewhere new and you will meet people that will make you feel worth while again and little pieces of your soul will finally come back and all those years of your life that you wasted that will eventually begin to fade.

Still Crying!!!

Love is life.

And if you miss love,

you miss life.

Andy, I am so sorry for breaking Your heart....I know how it feels, I hate it....I ache everyday no matter how busy I am....It has been very challenging for me as well....I am going to open up my heart to You, I am going to trust You that You will never tell anyone......Here it goes my Friend......You should know by now that I do put this big mask as well but inside I am hurting just as much as You are....I know it will be hard for You to believe but it's true.....Andy I think about You 24/7 I check my mail dozens of times to see if You e-mailed, see how you are doing....I misss the friendship we had, the closeness, the laughs, the chats....I could chat with You for hours and not want to hang up....I could stare at your beautiful smile for hours and that my friend would have made my day....I remember many times when you fell asleep at my house I would just lay there and watch You sleep...You looked so beautiful and at peace....I miss that as well....I miss the touching, the kissing, OMG I miss that happy smile of Yours....I know I could have had life made with You, I could never question that....I think the biggest mistake was the way we cheated and lied to each other, that my friend is a pain that still hurts very deep.....We are both at fault, we took each other for granted a lot.....I honestly did not really know what I had with You till You moved on.....I will never forget last July it was the most painful time of OUR lives....I hated every second....I know You felt the same, I realized that now...I honestly can tell You I am not over You, I am far from it.....I don't know when the pain is going to go away.....Somedays are worst than others but I am learning to cope I have no choice but it still hurts.....I don't want to hurt Laura or Patrick anymore, it's our fault for making the decisions we made.....They don't have to pay for our mistakes and selfishness...I wish You could tap into my brain and heart You would learn that the guy You were with does have a big heart, does fall in love, does have a lot of love to offer, I would have done anything for You and still would...We were not just an affair, the feelings were there it was all very real.

Nothing Lasts Forever!!

I hold it true, whate'er befall;

I feel it, when I sorrow most;'

Tis better to have loved and lost

Than never to have loved at all.

Now that I have moved on, MA has admitted to me all the things I wanted to hear months ago. Again my heart breaks. Maybe it is just safe now, or maybe he is full of crap knowing it's too late he can say what ever he thinks I wanted to hear.

Heartless????

I went away on a get away on July 6. I met up with an old friend from highschool. We had an amazing 5 days. Things were perfect. When I returned home I told MA that I had been with him. He was hurt, but was quick to inform me that he hooked up with that girl that was so taken by him. They went out of town for the weekend.

He then told me that he really was in love with me. He was hurting like he had never been hurt before. He said he wished he could restore things like you restore your computer. We stayed tight friends all week. We laughed more in that week then we had in months. There was no pressure of anything else. He suggested not emailing or talking while he was away on holidays. I agreed with him and thought that was a very good idea.

I decided since MH had the kids away on vacation that I would head out of town again myself. Come back and see my friend. So I booked the ticked for Saturday. I learned shortly after I did that, that MA would be taking the same flight so I decided to change and leave on Friday. One last stress. So I informed on Wednesday that he would not be hearing from me again until he gets back from his holiday.

When I got down there this was a message I got from MA.


YOU ARE HEARTLESS....

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU LIED TO ME. I CAN'T BELIEVE I HAD TO FIND OUT YOU ARE DATING THIS GUY THROUGH FACE BOOK AND EMAILING ME TELLING ME HOW SCREWED UP YOU ARE. YOU ARE A USER AND YOU PLAYED ME LESSON LEARNED, PAUL WAS VERY RIGHT ABOUT YOU. HAVE A GOOD LIFE AND FUCK OFFF

How Life Changes!!

Life consists not in holding good cards

but in playing those you hold well.

Finally I move forward in my life. Then without warning everthing I have wanted to hear for years I heard in a week. Unforunatley it was way beyond too late. Is he being honest now or is he lying??? Maybe he was being honest then and not now? I don't know if I will ever know the truth.

I heard months ago that he was seeing the girl he is seeing now. Her best friend told me how happy she was for her that she finally met someone that was so good to her. She had no idea he was seeing me as well.

I guess the saying is right, once a cheater always a cheater.

Second Best

Who looks outside, dreams;
who looks inside, awakes.

Feeling blue today. I am feeling that I am the consolation prize. Never good enough to be "the one" but you know.... when that doesn't work out with "the one" I will do in a pinch. I was "the one" once, but he wasn't for me. Will it ever happen when I am in love with the person who is so in love with me, or will I ever be in love with a man who loves me equally back. This seems like something so simple, but for me seems impossible.

Once upon
A time
There was
Truth to the
Myth of what
You
And I
Had found
In a blank paged
Fairy tale.

Snow White
Doesn't sleep
In a casket made of
Glass
Slippers will break
If you wear them.

Walk across this
Written word
With fingers
Gently
Seeking
Loving
You
And me
No more.

He loves
Me
He loves me!
Not
Enough.

To:
My Valentine
Will you
Be mine
No longer . . .

MA once said to me "we have been living a fairytale". He was right. Fairy tales are not real and what we had was not real either. I tell myself this a lot, but still it does not dull the pain.

I woke today feeling blue and bit down. I realized that I am letting MA go, slowly he is drifting further and further away. This makes me sad. I am affraid of what lays ahead in my life. I am affraid of sharing me, my heart, my soul. I am afraid that I am unable to love a man who loves me back.

Silence!!!

I was cold and hurting

lost out in the night

wandering and searching

for heaven's light

I saw the night sky clearing

when you spread your rainbow wings

But little did I know

what joy you would bring

From that moment on

a friendship did start

you kissed away my tears

and sheltered my heart

I bless the day God

sent him from above

But then I grew fearful

for I had fallen in love

I told you this feeling

and what did you say?

You said you liked our friendship

and that's how it would stay

I cried for a friendship I thought I lost

But then felt your warm, gentle hand

You then whispered in my ear

that by my side you'll forever stand

But when I looked back he was gone, I was left there standing in complete silence. The silence was so deafening, but I am learning to enjoy the silence and it is being to sound peaceful.

What Happened???

I sent the email. MA received the email, acknowledged the email, and did say he would respond. He never did. Instead he has chose to ignore the fact that I even sent such a thing. He has continued to call and email as always.

He invited me over on Monday, I declined. He invited me over on Tuesday, again I declined. He even pleaded with me, he could not believe I said "NO" this has never happened before. Wednesday he told me how much he missed me, and how badly he wanted me etc... I tried declining, I tried making up excuses. I tried to think of things to make me angry at him so I could just not go. None worked. I went and seen him.

He held me, he kissed every inch of my body, his touch was intoxicating, he drank me in with his eyes. He sent many waves of pleasure through me. We feel asleep wrapped tightly together. I woke up before dawn, I laid there for over an hour watching him sleep. He seemed so a peace. I was angry at myself for not having the strength to stay away. I got up and left without waking him.

I had to work with him yesterday, he told me how much he loved making love to me, how happy he was. How he wanted more, how he just can't get enough. He has called me a few times today telling me how badly he is missing me. He still doesn't get it. I am not asking for a relationship, a marriage proposal, or even a commitment per say. I just want him to love me like he use to.

Oops!!

Lead me not into temptation;

I can find the way myself.

Sent!

It has been 7 days. 7 days without a single touch or kiss.

I did it! I sent the dreaded email. He hasn't opened it yet. He has to work early tomorrow morning and probably won't open it until after work. I feel sick to my stomach. I hit send and then went out for a good long walk. It is amazing how that can clear you mind.

Funny thing is I ended up at MH's apartment. We chatted for over an hour. I hope I did the right thing. I think MH is finally moving on. He seems happier. I am happy for him. I am happy he can exsist without me. I knew he could. Now so does he.

If you love something set if free. If it doesn't return it was never meant to be! Now I sit and wait. I really do not have patience. This is not a good thing for me. Breath......

Broken Hearted

I could have held you all night long,
I could have laid next to you forever,
But then I know tomorrow soon would come,
And still we couldn't be together . . .

I went against what my head was saying,
and followed my heart through,
And instead of quitting while I was ahead,
I started falling in love with you

We had so much fun together,
the memories we made so great,
all those nights laughing and smiling,
staying up so late.

As the snow falls on the sidewalks,
I know this too will pass,
for feelings are like the seasons changing,
and one season never lasts.

So, I know this must stop now,
and tomorrow soon will come,
as we walk away and never look back,
as our warm feelings become numb.

I cried all the way home on Monday morning. I still haven't sent him the email. So he still has no idea that Sunday night was our last night. He has had a long hard week so I really didn't want to add to his misery. We worked together a couple days this week. We have still chatted a few times a day. It is as if everything is the same. Other then my heart is breaking a little more each day.

I don't know what I am waiting for. I guess I am scared. He asked me to come over tomorrow night. He asked if I could come early, but then commented about it still be day light! I can't help feeling that he is embarrassed of me. Gawd forbid anyone ever know he has been sleeping with me for the last two and half years. He has made a make believe women up to tell the guys who he as been with, so they will get off his back, and stop trying to get him laid. Again I guess a fake women is better then me.

Last Sleep Over!!

Tonight is my last sleep over with MA. I want more then he can give at this time. He doesn't know it yet, but I will inform him tomorrow. I just want one last kiss, one last time of feeling the way he makes me feel. One last night of laying in his arms. One last night oh inhaling his intoxicating scent. A full night of complete pleasure and bliss.

I have given this a lot of thought. I am scared to death and dreading it, but I really don't feel I have a choice. I haven't been fair to him, holding on the way I have been. I have already wrote the email. So this is it.

I use to get this, and miss it so much it hurts......... "I am so glad to have met you, our friendship it's very rare. Most affairs are about the sex but with us is more than that we have a very close connection that it will never go away. I consider myself the luckiest person in the world. Thank you for coming into my life. Love You forever no matter what".

Now I get this.............. "I hope you are having a good day chat later my Sexy Friend".

I am on my way out the door now. This is it. I know it's what is right, but why does it hurt so bad.

History 6

We met but once as though by chance,

we didn't date, or did we dance.

We looked into each other's eyes

without deception or disguise.

A silent message passed between

your hungry heart was plainly seen.

You saw desire I could not hide,

you looked at me and saw inside.

How could a glance have said so much,

and cause a chill without a touch?

What was that chemistry that night,

that promised what we felt was right?

What satisfaction we'd have missed,

If we had not reached out and kissed.

I do not know if it was you,

or was it I who said, "Let's do."

But on that night our souls were bare

as surely as our bodies there.

Our bodies moved in harmony,

I couldn't tell the you from me.

And locked in passion as we were,

my sense of time began to blur.

I must have known you from before,

how else could you have reached my core?

In life perhaps before this one

what had we shared? What had we done?

With what I felt, emotions vast,

I must have loved you in the past.

But now we go our separate ways,

to different lives throughout our days.

I keep you though within my dreams,

Eternal soul mate, so it seems.

I sent this to MA last spring. Things seemed so perfect between us. The new year seemed to bring new love.

In January and February MH was away for work. MA and I went back to spending hours together. His wife was out of town in January we once again shared a room for a couple of days. He told me how much he cherished me and how much he loved me.

At the end of February MH trying to still mend our broken marriage took me on a nice tropical holiday. MA and I said our good byes not sure what the future would hold. The holiday was nice, I realized then that I had lost any love I had for MH. The entire time I was away I spent thinking of MA. I even managed a phone call and a few emails.

When I returned in March MA and I seemed to have an even stronger bond, if that is even possible. The day I returned home I ran down to see him the second time allowed. We only had a quick moment to look at each other and touch quickly. When I returned home this was waiting in my email inbox.....

Hey never question my love for you because you must have felt it today. I sure felt the love you have for me from that one second hug and kiss. Yes you are beautiful and very sexy and I love you and that will never end till the day I die. Thank You for coming into my world that was so lonely and dark. I look forward to your naked body wrapped around me. I MISS YOU MORE THAN EVER TOO. XOXOXOXO

After that day I received many more emails from him protesting this great love he had for me. I don't understand where that got lost. He has not told me he loves me in 3 months. Not since the day he told me he didn't know how to love or what love is. I stayed at his house again last night. I tried remembering back to this day. I tried to see if I could feel the difference. I don't understand what changed. Was it all a lie???

History 5

Speak when you are angry

and you will make the best speech

you will ever regret.

After MH (my husband) suspected MA and I having an affair nothing was ever the same. He tried, he really tried and so did I. I do think I wanted my marriage to work, maybe not for the right reasons, but none the less I believed I wanted to make a go at it. MH was dealing with things not well to say the least. He told everyone that would listen that I had been sleeping with MA. He told MA he wouldn't tell his wife, but I am sure this was his way of letting his wife know without directly telling her. The night back in October 2005 when he was raging he called MA at his house and his wife answered. MA ran out and found a pay phone to call MH back. His wife called our house wondering why MH called. At the time MH lied to her and said he was just asking him a question about something.

To make matters worse MH started drinking and when he drank he became very mean and unreasonable. This is a man I had spent the last twelve years with, who had all this respect for me and even had me on a pedestal. I fell hard off that pedestal. Before this happened he had never even called me a name ever. The worse thing he had said to me prior to the affair was "you're being a bitch" and he was pretty mad to even say that.

Just before Christmas 2005 he came home and was drunk. My oldest daughter had her boyfriend over and I had told his mom I would make sure I drove him home at 11. MH in his drunken state insisted I go to bed with him. I explained that I couldn't and why. He became irate. He started freaking out on me calling me a whore etc... he then grabbed me by the arm and tried pushing me down the stairs. MH is 6'4 and weighs 285lbs, so it was very difficult to keep my self from being hurt. He eventually gave up and went to bed. The next day he couldn't believe what he had done and blamed it on bad rye. (whatever) He did stop drinking for a few weeks anyway.

I was scared and feeling more alone then ever. MA was there for me. He was my shoulder he was my strength and my light. MA was supportive and understanding. We weren't meeting like we use to, but we continued to talk as much as we could, but very cautiously this time. He kept me smiling and sane. When we did work together we spent as much time as we could together because this was the only place we were able to see each other.

My dad and step mom came for Christmas that year. MH told my dad why he wasn't drinking and what he had done. So I thought that things would get better with him, how I was so wrong.

On Christmas eve I went and seen MA at work and we exchanged gifts, hugs and kisses. The love we had for each other had only become stronger through the stress around us.

History Part 4

Once again MA is getting the best of me.

I am having a hard time this week dealing with our affair.

Little More History Part 4.

After MA returned home with his family I was prepared. I was ready to end things. They never ended. They didn't even really cool that much. Maybe a little sexually, but we chatted more then ever.

October 2005 my husband leaves town on a hunting trip. His wife was suppose to go away as well, but she became sick and couldn't travel. We had made many plans for when they would be gone we had to cancel them. MA made it up to me, it was a Saturday evening, he rented a room and surprised me with it. He told his wife he was going out with friends for drinks. We spent hours that night drinking every inch of each other in. I will never forget laying back in his arms and the music video Beautiful by James Blunt came on. It was the first time either one of us had heard it. It seem to really hit home that night. That is night I will never forget.

That month the world as I knew it fell apart. My oldest child told my husband she thought I was having an affair. I can't remember exactly how it all came about. He had asked her some questions about me, and it just went from there. He checked out every nook and cranny in the computer and found that I had been using a yahoo mail account. He completely lost it that day. I was at work. He packed a bunch of my clothes in a garbage bag and dropped them down at my work. He had the locks changed and told me I was never to return home. I begged and pleaded for hours, he finally agreed to pick me up after work to talk, but made it very clear I was not to return home. I begged and pleaded some more. After many long hours parked in our vehicle he agreed to let me come home. There were a few conditions though. First I had to give him head, right there and then, and I had to swallow. Which I NEVER do, I can't. Second I had to sit down with our children and basically tell them that I am a whore and I had wrecked our family. Things would never be the same because of me.

My husband and I attended counselling and things seem to get back on track a bit. I was a bit messed up and became a lot more cautious, but I continued my relationship with MA.

Dessert!

It's nice to eat a good hunk of beef

but you want a light dessert, too.

MA made me dinner last week and brought it to me at work. I had to return his Rubbermaid container, I believe that it is bad manners to return a container empty. I made him a special dessert. I went over to his place to drop it by. I had not intention on staying.

When I got there we started talking. Being that I had no intention on staying I sat on an opposite couch from him and was careful not to touch him. I know better. I know that I have no will power. It was hard enough being there and not having my hands all over him.

We talked for about an hour. I could talk to him for days. Did I mention before I went over we spent over an hour on the phone. Anyhoooo..... I got up to go, but he was telling me a story so I sat on the arm of the couch. He came over to kiss me good bye. Seems simple enough, right?

Well the next thing I know he had me down on the couch and my clothes some how were off, as were his. Needless to say 2 hours later I was once again on my way out the door. We really need to work on those quickies. Practice makes perfect, although I have been informed today by MA that is as good as it gets for a quickie, he doesn't feel it gets any faster then that. He does enjoy to savor.

History Part 3

Love is the beauty of the soul

After that night when we crossed that forbidden line, there was no looking back. Things got out of control and very crazy. We were meeting every other day. Mornings, afternoons, and evenings. We found closets at work to occupy. We couldn't keep our hands off of each other.

When we weren't having sex we were either on the phone or emailing each other. Our relationship was very deep. We talked about everything we shared all our secrets and dreams. Physically we tired everything. It was so intense and full of passion. The emails were full of love and feelings and the phone calls were light hearted and fun.

June 2005 I was walking down town, he was stopped at a street light in his vehicle with his wife. He waved and I waved back. Innocent we thought. She wouldn't let it go. She said she could tell that there was something there. She told him that the look in his eyes when he seen me told the whole story. He denied it and told her she was over reacting and being silly.

I took my kids and went on a holiday in July 2005, while I was away we talked on the phone daily, as well as emailed back and forth. We got closer by the day. While I was away he called me up one night and told me that he LOVED me and he couldn't wait another day without telling me that. That night we were on the phone until wee hours of the morning. I watched the sun rise that day. We laughed together and then we cried together because we knew that what we had would be all that we would ever have. Neither one of us felt that we could leave our marriages, but still were very much in love with each other.

When I returned it was like I was the best present he had ever received, he couldn't wait to unwrap me and play with me. I had never felt so wanted sexually. I had never felt so cherished and appreciated. He was the first thing I thought of when I woke up and the last thing I thought of before I fell asleep each night. The thought of him gave me goose bumps. When I seen him I would get butterflies in my tummy. Never had I experienced this. I thought this only ever happened in the movies.

He took his family away in August 2005 for holidays, while they were away his wife was advised by a friend that she had heard something was going on between us. His wife completely lost it. (I can't say I blame her) He denied that we were anymore then just casual friends. She told him he was no longer aloud to be my friend. That he had to stay away from me. She brought up the time we seen each other back in June. Again she was convinced there was something in his eyes. He managed to sneak off one afternoon and call me and let me know what happened. I was devastated, I was feeling very bad for her, but at the same time I was dying inside. I knew that we would have to stay away from each other. He didn't want to lose his family.

A Little History Part 2.

We both agreed to remain friends and not to cross that line again. I was still very worried things would never be the same, and it would be weird to be around each other. I was half right, things were never the same.

We talked more, and leaned harder. The difference was we both new we were attracted to each other, and we both new how incredible that kiss was. Then one day he emailed me and told me how sexy I looked that day. After that we started asking very intimate questions. We learned what each other liked, and we shared our fantasies, desires and needs. We talked about how much we desired each other, but agreed to never cross that line. At this point in our relationship we new everything there was to know about each other. We shared our dreams, our pasts, our present.

I walked every evening rain or shine and we talked on my cell for hours. It was a clear night in March I was out walking, he snuck out of work early and met me. We walked in a very private area, we talked and held hands. When it was time for us to go he hugged me..... the next thing you know we were all over each other. The kiss that night was even better then the first, and we were both stone cold sober. It felt as though we had been together for years. It was easy and very comfortable.

After that night we decided that we weren't going to do anymore then make out once in a while, that we still would NOT cross that line. We talked about how amazing we made each other feel. How we brought out the best in each other. We really did not want to wreck things between us, by sleeping together.

Shortly after that night in March I received an email from him, it was a typical email, but at the end of this particular email he told me he loved with me. We had not discussed feelings we had for each other. We had never slept together and only ever kissed twice. Yet we had become best friends.

The next week we were working together, it was a typical day we flirted with each other and sent some naughty emails back and forth. It was very fun and light hearted. Close to the end of the day, he comes to me and asks me if I wanted to meet up with him later that night. I thought he was kidding around. It turns out he really wasn't. He told me that he had told his wife that he had friends here from out of town and he was going to meet up with them for some drinks.

We decided to meet up where we had walked that night. He brought some beer and we sat and talked, laughed and joked around. Then he leaned over to kiss me and I to this day have NO idea what happened to me. I couldn't get enough. I have never been aggressive. I like to follow never lead. Things got very hot and heavy, it was very urgent and intense. The next thing you know I was on top of him and he was very much inside of me. Again it was like we had been having sex for years, it was very comfortable and easy, never an awkward moment.

After we had finished, I was still on top of him. I didn't know what to say. I couldn't believe what had just happened. All I could gather up all that I managed to get out of my mouth was "oops sorry" We had a giggle. I had to get home and so did he. I never said two words after that. He drove me home, I didn't say a word other then when he asked me if I was okay I softly said "yeah"

I can't believe that was 2 years ago this month.