History Part 4

Once again MA is getting the best of me.

I am having a hard time this week dealing with our affair.

Little More History Part 4.

After MA returned home with his family I was prepared. I was ready to end things. They never ended. They didn't even really cool that much. Maybe a little sexually, but we chatted more then ever.

October 2005 my husband leaves town on a hunting trip. His wife was suppose to go away as well, but she became sick and couldn't travel. We had made many plans for when they would be gone we had to cancel them. MA made it up to me, it was a Saturday evening, he rented a room and surprised me with it. He told his wife he was going out with friends for drinks. We spent hours that night drinking every inch of each other in. I will never forget laying back in his arms and the music video Beautiful by James Blunt came on. It was the first time either one of us had heard it. It seem to really hit home that night. That is night I will never forget.

That month the world as I knew it fell apart. My oldest child told my husband she thought I was having an affair. I can't remember exactly how it all came about. He had asked her some questions about me, and it just went from there. He checked out every nook and cranny in the computer and found that I had been using a yahoo mail account. He completely lost it that day. I was at work. He packed a bunch of my clothes in a garbage bag and dropped them down at my work. He had the locks changed and told me I was never to return home. I begged and pleaded for hours, he finally agreed to pick me up after work to talk, but made it very clear I was not to return home. I begged and pleaded some more. After many long hours parked in our vehicle he agreed to let me come home. There were a few conditions though. First I had to give him head, right there and then, and I had to swallow. Which I NEVER do, I can't. Second I had to sit down with our children and basically tell them that I am a whore and I had wrecked our family. Things would never be the same because of me.

My husband and I attended counselling and things seem to get back on track a bit. I was a bit messed up and became a lot more cautious, but I continued my relationship with MA.

Dessert!

It's nice to eat a good hunk of beef

but you want a light dessert, too.

MA made me dinner last week and brought it to me at work. I had to return his Rubbermaid container, I believe that it is bad manners to return a container empty. I made him a special dessert. I went over to his place to drop it by. I had not intention on staying.

When I got there we started talking. Being that I had no intention on staying I sat on an opposite couch from him and was careful not to touch him. I know better. I know that I have no will power. It was hard enough being there and not having my hands all over him.

We talked for about an hour. I could talk to him for days. Did I mention before I went over we spent over an hour on the phone. Anyhoooo..... I got up to go, but he was telling me a story so I sat on the arm of the couch. He came over to kiss me good bye. Seems simple enough, right?

Well the next thing I know he had me down on the couch and my clothes some how were off, as were his. Needless to say 2 hours later I was once again on my way out the door. We really need to work on those quickies. Practice makes perfect, although I have been informed today by MA that is as good as it gets for a quickie, he doesn't feel it gets any faster then that. He does enjoy to savor.

History Part 3

Love is the beauty of the soul

After that night when we crossed that forbidden line, there was no looking back. Things got out of control and very crazy. We were meeting every other day. Mornings, afternoons, and evenings. We found closets at work to occupy. We couldn't keep our hands off of each other.

When we weren't having sex we were either on the phone or emailing each other. Our relationship was very deep. We talked about everything we shared all our secrets and dreams. Physically we tired everything. It was so intense and full of passion. The emails were full of love and feelings and the phone calls were light hearted and fun.

June 2005 I was walking down town, he was stopped at a street light in his vehicle with his wife. He waved and I waved back. Innocent we thought. She wouldn't let it go. She said she could tell that there was something there. She told him that the look in his eyes when he seen me told the whole story. He denied it and told her she was over reacting and being silly.

I took my kids and went on a holiday in July 2005, while I was away we talked on the phone daily, as well as emailed back and forth. We got closer by the day. While I was away he called me up one night and told me that he LOVED me and he couldn't wait another day without telling me that. That night we were on the phone until wee hours of the morning. I watched the sun rise that day. We laughed together and then we cried together because we knew that what we had would be all that we would ever have. Neither one of us felt that we could leave our marriages, but still were very much in love with each other.

When I returned it was like I was the best present he had ever received, he couldn't wait to unwrap me and play with me. I had never felt so wanted sexually. I had never felt so cherished and appreciated. He was the first thing I thought of when I woke up and the last thing I thought of before I fell asleep each night. The thought of him gave me goose bumps. When I seen him I would get butterflies in my tummy. Never had I experienced this. I thought this only ever happened in the movies.

He took his family away in August 2005 for holidays, while they were away his wife was advised by a friend that she had heard something was going on between us. His wife completely lost it. (I can't say I blame her) He denied that we were anymore then just casual friends. She told him he was no longer aloud to be my friend. That he had to stay away from me. She brought up the time we seen each other back in June. Again she was convinced there was something in his eyes. He managed to sneak off one afternoon and call me and let me know what happened. I was devastated, I was feeling very bad for her, but at the same time I was dying inside. I knew that we would have to stay away from each other. He didn't want to lose his family.

A Little History Part 2.

We both agreed to remain friends and not to cross that line again. I was still very worried things would never be the same, and it would be weird to be around each other. I was half right, things were never the same.

We talked more, and leaned harder. The difference was we both new we were attracted to each other, and we both new how incredible that kiss was. Then one day he emailed me and told me how sexy I looked that day. After that we started asking very intimate questions. We learned what each other liked, and we shared our fantasies, desires and needs. We talked about how much we desired each other, but agreed to never cross that line. At this point in our relationship we new everything there was to know about each other. We shared our dreams, our pasts, our present.

I walked every evening rain or shine and we talked on my cell for hours. It was a clear night in March I was out walking, he snuck out of work early and met me. We walked in a very private area, we talked and held hands. When it was time for us to go he hugged me..... the next thing you know we were all over each other. The kiss that night was even better then the first, and we were both stone cold sober. It felt as though we had been together for years. It was easy and very comfortable.

After that night we decided that we weren't going to do anymore then make out once in a while, that we still would NOT cross that line. We talked about how amazing we made each other feel. How we brought out the best in each other. We really did not want to wreck things between us, by sleeping together.

Shortly after that night in March I received an email from him, it was a typical email, but at the end of this particular email he told me he loved with me. We had not discussed feelings we had for each other. We had never slept together and only ever kissed twice. Yet we had become best friends.

The next week we were working together, it was a typical day we flirted with each other and sent some naughty emails back and forth. It was very fun and light hearted. Close to the end of the day, he comes to me and asks me if I wanted to meet up with him later that night. I thought he was kidding around. It turns out he really wasn't. He told me that he had told his wife that he had friends here from out of town and he was going to meet up with them for some drinks.

We decided to meet up where we had walked that night. He brought some beer and we sat and talked, laughed and joked around. Then he leaned over to kiss me and I to this day have NO idea what happened to me. I couldn't get enough. I have never been aggressive. I like to follow never lead. Things got very hot and heavy, it was very urgent and intense. The next thing you know I was on top of him and he was very much inside of me. Again it was like we had been having sex for years, it was very comfortable and easy, never an awkward moment.

After we had finished, I was still on top of him. I didn't know what to say. I couldn't believe what had just happened. All I could gather up all that I managed to get out of my mouth was "oops sorry" We had a giggle. I had to get home and so did he. I never said two words after that. He drove me home, I didn't say a word other then when he asked me if I was okay I softly said "yeah"

I can't believe that was 2 years ago this month.

Panic Attack!

It has been a bit of a crazy week. I have spent a ton of time with MA (my addiction). I was there all morning and day on Thursday. I spent the night on Saturday, and tonight I was suppose to spend the night, but the strangest thing happened to me. I had a panic attack, I freaked out and I got up and ran. I couldn't get out of there and home fast enough. I don't know what happened.

Everything was fine when I got there. We chatted and climbed into bed. We had amazing sex, he was so exhausted from working like a made man he was sleeping before I knew it. I wasn't far behind him. Then I had a dream I was falling and I woke with a jerk. My heart was pounding and I was in a cold sweat.

I got up and put on a T-shirt and climbed back into bed. MA was very cuddly. This is very unusual. He normally rolls to his side of the bed with his back to me. Again we don't sleep well together. Him worse then me lately. Every so often through out the night he may reach out and touch my leg, back or kiss my shoulder, but other then that our bodies don't cross in the night. Tonight was very different. He was facing me, he was touching me, wrapped around me. Very affectionate. Now thinking back on it he was different sexually as well. More loving, if that is even possible. I don't know how to explain it, but it was different.

I laid there for a while and watched him sleep, waiting for my heart to stop pounding, but it never slowed instead it starting speeding up. The longer I laid there with his body tangled in mine, the harder my heart pounded, I was sweating, and it became hard to breath. For a very split second I almost told him I loved him, and that just pushed me right over the edge. I had to go. I could not stay a second longer.

I don't ever want to go back to that place. He pushed me out of his heart months ago, why now is he pulling me back. I am NOT who he wants, does he not remember that. I have finally excepted that. I chose to stay with him and keep it casual. I can't go back there. I have not shed a tear over him since the middle of February.

Now sitting here thinking back over this week, we are back to where we were. Spending ever available hour together. That had stopped. We actually were going a week sometimes even two. Now it is like he can't get enough of me all of a sudden. He is making time for me, even when he is completly burned out and exhausted. I am the last person he talks to at night, and the first person he talks to in the morning. Why am I complaining? Because I can't go there again and be hurt. The pain I felt when my heart broke was unbearable. I have a high pain tolerance, but it was hell. I am scared. Very scared.

So now here I sit in the middle of the night, in tears. I don't know what to do. I am so confused. I want to talk to him, but I don't want to open up to him. I can't do more salt in these wounds. He looked at me tonight in a way he hasn't looked at me in months. The way his eyes drink me up and burn into my soul. The way he savors every inch of me with his finger tips as they pierce my skin. I felt that love from him that I haven't felt in a very long time. It scared me. Scared me so bad I am at home in front of this computer instead of being tucked peacefully in his bed.

I really don't know what to do next. I am hoping now that I have got these thoughts out of my head and down on this blog I will be able to get an hour or two of sleep. I have dried my tears and have taken a deep breath. Maybe tomorrow things will become clearer. Maybe tomorrow I will be stronger. My mom used to tell me that I will feel better after a good nights sleep. Well lets hope she is right.

A Little History.

August 2004 I was working a night shift, he came down stairs around 9pm and we started chatting. We had not spoke much to each other prior to this. All of a sudden it was 3:30am and we were still deep in conversation. We talked of our past, of our marriages, and our spouses. I said to him "the grass is never greener on the other side" I also said that night "sex is over rated"

This time in my life was very lonely. I had just had my job title and description change. I wasn't happy about this change at all. My marriage was dark and lonely. I just did what I had to do to keep everyone living under my roof happy. My thoughts, feelings and happiness never seemed to matter much.

That night we talked I felt something I hadn't felt in years and years. There was this spark, this chemistry. We completely and totally connected. There was no flirting, or talk that might be considered inappropriate. There was this unexplainable connection, and hours of great conversation. It was amazing to have someone actually hear what I was saying, and respond in a positive way. This was something I was lacking and missing in my marriage.

That night past and life continued on as normal. I would see him in passing and every time my heart would pound, and my face would flush. I started fantasizing about him. Spending time thinking about him and that night.

Christmas came and went, he invited my husband and I to his house for New Years Eve. I declined coming up with one excuse or another. I could not imagine being in his home with his wife. Even though nothing had happened I do think it would have been very uncomfortable.

His wife went away in the beginning January he called the office looking for a coworker. We were on the phone that night for over 3 hours, just chatting. He never did talk to that coworker. He asked for my email address so he could send me some information he had. The next day I received an email from him. I replied thanking him. Again it was all very innocent. After that week the emails started a few a week, again just chatting about life, nothing too personal. As friends we really clicked.

The emails became more and more frequent, until they were up to a few or more a day. Then the phone calls started here and there nothing too regular. He mentioned to me that he and some other people from work were going out and that I should join them. Neither one of us went out often, between work and family it was rare thing.

We went out that night, had many beverages. We were at the bar and there was a lot of people there, and at one point I was pushed into his back, the next thing you know we were randomly touching each other. We snuck out together early. We walked and talked and talked and walked. At one point we were holding hands and just talking. I of course had to much to drink which in turn makes me say too much. I told him of the attraction I had for him, and the fantasies I had had. He told me the same. He walked me all the way home and we were saying good bye, and he took me into his arms and kissed me. A kiss that I will never forget. I remember walking away feeling this incredible high. I was in ahhhh..

When I woke up the next morning, I was angry with myself for crossing that line. I was angry for telling him the things I did. I wanted to email him and tell him how sorry I was. I would sit down at the computer and start to type, but nothing sounded right. Nothing that day could undue what we did. He never sent me a email that day, which really added to that sick feeling I was having. I remember thinking I didn't want things to be weird between us.

Monday morning my phone rings, it was him. Saying all those things I was feeling. He was feeling them as well. He felt he pushed himself on me. I was feeling I pushed myself on him. We decided that day to never cross that line again and to remain as good friends. We really had leaned on each other over the last few months and both were grateful for the support. It sounded simple enough then.

Confiction Between the Heart and the Head!

"A man reserves his true and deepest love not for the species

of woman in whose company he finds himself electrified and en kindled,

but for that one in whose company he may feel tenderly drowsy."

It has been 9 long days since I have been with my addiction. I have to admit it has been a very long 9 days. The last time I was in his arms was last Saturday night. I spent the whole night. I should have never done that. To me there is such a big difference between having sex, and going home, then there is in having sex and then falling asleep in each others arms.

We have never "slept" well together. He is a light sleeper and has slept alone for years. His wife and him had separate rooms. I really don't sleep well to start with and to top it off I feel as though you are most vulnerable when you are asleep. Almost like an open book. This time was so different. I slept and he slept. There is something to be said about a random kiss on your bare shoulder in the middle of the night, or a wondering hand rubbing your back, or just reaching out to touch you. I had to be up early the next day, but I didn't want to go. I didn't want to leave the safe comfort of his bed, or his embrace.

I keep trying to convince myself that this means nothing. I'm trying so hard not to go back to that place I was in. I keep trying to push him away emotionally. I no longer tell him how I feel, I don't let it known that my heart is in his hands. I no longer send those emails that are full of feelings and emotion. I no longer share that. I tell myself everyday that I can handle what we have. Just to enjoy and don't make an issue out of it. My heart is screaming and my head is spinning.

My good friend asked me last week if he was to ask me pursue a relationship, to come out of this closet we have been in for over two years if that would make me happy? She asked me if that is what I really wanted? I honestly had to say NO. As much as I think I want that, I don't truly believe it is. I am not ready to be in any kind of relationship. There are so many reasons that it would be a mistake with him, not to mention our ex spouses and the headaches that would bring.

So as the days pass, I float along waiting for life to happen. One day I would really like to have that connection again, that love you can get lost in. I want to feel it, but even more so I want it returned at the same time I am feeling it. I never thought that this kind of love actually existed. I always believed it was only in fairy tales. The night we stood outside in the dark and he took me in his arms and kissed me, I realized that night that it really did exist. I have never experienced a kiss that could knock you off your feet until that night.

So for today. For right now, my heart and my head are fighting. My head is telling me to walk away, my heart is begging for one more day, one more kiss, one more touch.