Moving Forward!

Love is only a dirty trick
played on us to achieve continuation of the species.

Today MA and I were talking on the phone, as we often do. He told me that he had to be totally honest with me. He admitted to me that he has very strong feelings for the women he is with and has been with for some time now. I really wanted to be happy for him, but I am dying inside. It made me cry. It brought back this pain. I thought I was moving forward. I thought I was beyond this. I don't know what happened.

Over the last year we still have met sexually on the odd occasion. We still email everyday, and call each other often as well. Not only did he tell me how in love he was with this girl, but he also admitted to still missing me and wanting me sexually. That just made me feel dirty. He said him and I really didn't have a relationship. So I guess that just confirms that I was just a dirty affair. I gave up my husband, I killed my family, all for this great love I really thought I had. Now I really know the truth.

Today my heart has once again been ripped from my chest. I am feeling the loss of him once again, but today I am also feeling the loss of my life before him. I haven't been able to get on with my life. Yes I am dating a good man, who loves me dearly, but my heart has never been there. I have not allowed myself to have deep feelings for him because of MA. I have sabotaged my life for the last 4 years for what?

Well I guess that was a wake up call I needed. I have NO idea what to do from this point. I don't know what to think or feel. I don't know what path I should take now. It is now time to move forward in my life. Stop dwelling on the past. It is now nothing more then the past.

Fresh Start!

I don't wish to be everything to everyone,

but I would like to be something to someone.

I was seeing someone, we worked together. Then I found out he was also seeing this other girl. Turned out he wasn't in love with me like I thought.

What I'm trying to say is I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible, and how it can actually ache in places that you didn't know you had inside of you, and it doesn't matter how many new hair cuts you get or how much you workout, or how much wine you drink with your girlfriends, you still go to bed every single night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or wonder how you could have misunderstood and how in the hell for that brief moment you can think you were that happy. Sometimes you can even convince yourself that he will see the light and show up at your door.

After all that, how ever long all that may be, you will go somewhere new and you will meet people that will make you feel worth while again and little pieces of your soul will finally come back and all those years of your life that you wasted that will eventually begin to fade.

Still Crying!!!

Love is life.

And if you miss love,

you miss life.

Andy, I am so sorry for breaking Your heart....I know how it feels, I hate it....I ache everyday no matter how busy I am....It has been very challenging for me as well....I am going to open up my heart to You, I am going to trust You that You will never tell anyone......Here it goes my Friend......You should know by now that I do put this big mask as well but inside I am hurting just as much as You are....I know it will be hard for You to believe but it's true.....Andy I think about You 24/7 I check my mail dozens of times to see if You e-mailed, see how you are doing....I misss the friendship we had, the closeness, the laughs, the chats....I could chat with You for hours and not want to hang up....I could stare at your beautiful smile for hours and that my friend would have made my day....I remember many times when you fell asleep at my house I would just lay there and watch You sleep...You looked so beautiful and at peace....I miss that as well....I miss the touching, the kissing, OMG I miss that happy smile of Yours....I know I could have had life made with You, I could never question that....I think the biggest mistake was the way we cheated and lied to each other, that my friend is a pain that still hurts very deep.....We are both at fault, we took each other for granted a lot.....I honestly did not really know what I had with You till You moved on.....I will never forget last July it was the most painful time of OUR lives....I hated every second....I know You felt the same, I realized that now...I honestly can tell You I am not over You, I am far from it.....I don't know when the pain is going to go away.....Somedays are worst than others but I am learning to cope I have no choice but it still hurts.....I don't want to hurt Laura or Patrick anymore, it's our fault for making the decisions we made.....They don't have to pay for our mistakes and selfishness...I wish You could tap into my brain and heart You would learn that the guy You were with does have a big heart, does fall in love, does have a lot of love to offer, I would have done anything for You and still would...We were not just an affair, the feelings were there it was all very real.

Nothing Lasts Forever!!

I hold it true, whate'er befall;

I feel it, when I sorrow most;'

Tis better to have loved and lost

Than never to have loved at all.

Now that I have moved on, MA has admitted to me all the things I wanted to hear months ago. Again my heart breaks. Maybe it is just safe now, or maybe he is full of crap knowing it's too late he can say what ever he thinks I wanted to hear.

Heartless????

I went away on a get away on July 6. I met up with an old friend from highschool. We had an amazing 5 days. Things were perfect. When I returned home I told MA that I had been with him. He was hurt, but was quick to inform me that he hooked up with that girl that was so taken by him. They went out of town for the weekend.

He then told me that he really was in love with me. He was hurting like he had never been hurt before. He said he wished he could restore things like you restore your computer. We stayed tight friends all week. We laughed more in that week then we had in months. There was no pressure of anything else. He suggested not emailing or talking while he was away on holidays. I agreed with him and thought that was a very good idea.

I decided since MH had the kids away on vacation that I would head out of town again myself. Come back and see my friend. So I booked the ticked for Saturday. I learned shortly after I did that, that MA would be taking the same flight so I decided to change and leave on Friday. One last stress. So I informed on Wednesday that he would not be hearing from me again until he gets back from his holiday.

When I got down there this was a message I got from MA.


YOU ARE HEARTLESS....

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU LIED TO ME. I CAN'T BELIEVE I HAD TO FIND OUT YOU ARE DATING THIS GUY THROUGH FACE BOOK AND EMAILING ME TELLING ME HOW SCREWED UP YOU ARE. YOU ARE A USER AND YOU PLAYED ME LESSON LEARNED, PAUL WAS VERY RIGHT ABOUT YOU. HAVE A GOOD LIFE AND FUCK OFFF

How Life Changes!!

Life consists not in holding good cards

but in playing those you hold well.

Finally I move forward in my life. Then without warning everthing I have wanted to hear for years I heard in a week. Unforunatley it was way beyond too late. Is he being honest now or is he lying??? Maybe he was being honest then and not now? I don't know if I will ever know the truth.

I heard months ago that he was seeing the girl he is seeing now. Her best friend told me how happy she was for her that she finally met someone that was so good to her. She had no idea he was seeing me as well.

I guess the saying is right, once a cheater always a cheater.

Second Best

Who looks outside, dreams;
who looks inside, awakes.

Feeling blue today. I am feeling that I am the consolation prize. Never good enough to be "the one" but you know.... when that doesn't work out with "the one" I will do in a pinch. I was "the one" once, but he wasn't for me. Will it ever happen when I am in love with the person who is so in love with me, or will I ever be in love with a man who loves me equally back. This seems like something so simple, but for me seems impossible.